Okay so I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not very good at comforting people, in fact I would go as far as saying I’m awful. No really; I’m so bad that it may sometimes verge, on hilarity. Which is why, I’m going to share with you, my top 3 comforting phrases, hopefully you’ll learn from my mistakes.
1- “Oh please stop crying, you’re making me sad.” (Now, direct slightly guilt tripping phrases like this don’t usually work under these circumstances…weirdly they tend to encourage the opposite).
2- “Come on! Man up and stop being such a wuss!” (Yup using soft insults is not the route to go down either apparently it’s seen as, ‘unsympathetic’ whoops).
3- “You’re being such a little b***h seriously now just shut up.” (I tend to use this mildly abusive phrase towards the end of a crying session, when I begin to feel fed up with the said person’s mental breakdown, and in case you are yet to guess much like the rest of my phrases this one does also not go down at all well).
Luckily my friends have accepted (begrudgingly) my lack of empathy and learnt to tolerate it. I think I may have to at some point attempt to be more sympathetic, otherwise if I do one day have children they will be incredibly screwed up (and probably will feature on the future’s equivalent of Dr Phil). So if you do want to comfort someone in distress just do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. Good luck fellow sociopaths.